Signs of a supportive relationshipWe each have a circle of friends that provide times of fun and enjoyment. But those same friends may not feel comfortable being around grief. They may not know what to say or do to support you at a time of loss. During our grief journey we need supportive relationships. How do we recognize them?
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Change of SceneryI am aware that the stress and anxiety of grief can make it feel as though the walls are closing in around you. It may be a smothering feeling, even difficult to catch your breath. These are signs that you need a break. Even a small change of scenery can help open up the lungs and mind. It is my belief that grievers must "come apart before they fall apart". Where do you go to be refreshed? Do you have a favorite location that settles your heart and mind? This is a great opportunity to share what works for you. It very well could be your idea that helps others.
A "mini-vacation" does not need to cost anything, but it can provide valuable time to release the stress that steals peace. Where do you go? What activity do you enjoy that allows you to gather your thoughts and unload stress? Some people must leave their home to find such a peaceful place of renewal. Others can spend time at home to replace the balance that gets shaken. Your input is important. If you have discovered a way to lower stress along the grief journey, please share it with other readers. It can be another way for us to support each other. Bob Willis, author "A Guide for Grievers" "JESUS: The CRUCIFIED CAREGIVER" The WrapperThis post is longer, is true, and helps explain death to a child. I have been asked to post it again. Please share as you wish. "The Wrapper"... A fatal heart attack had suddenly removed a man from the family circle. A few days after his funeral I met with the family for a time of remembrance. His daughter-in-law shared this with me. Her 4 year old son asked "Where is grandpa now?". She told him "Grandpa is in Heaven now". The little boy smiled big and quietly went to bed. The next morning the family drove to the cemetery to see the grave. The young boy ran to the grave and saw it covered with flowers. He turned to his mom and asked, "Mommy, is THIS Heaven?". That night as she put her son to bed, she removed a candy bar from her pocket. She tore open the wrapper, gave him some candy, and said "Let's talk about grandpa. What do you remember about grandpa?".
He told how grandpa had taken him fishing, they played ball, they went to the zoo together, grandpa had fixed his toys, and many other special memories. When he finished the memories, and they finished the candy bar, mom held him very close. She said "Honey, grandpa is a lot like this candy bar. That good and delicious part of grandpa, the memories you just told me about...that is the part of grandpa that has gone to Heaven. We can always talk about those good memories of grandpa." Then she held up the wrapper of the candy bar and said "This is the part of grandpa we buried under those flowers at his grave...just grandpa's WRAPPER!" The little boy quickly understood that we lose the physical part of people, but we can always talk about our sweet memories of them. Bob Willis, author "A Guide for Grievers" "JESUS: The CRUCIFIED CAREGIVER" Loss of "Potential"Since relationships end before we are through with them, it is very common to grieve the loss of "potential". Potential means "it has not happened yet". For example, a spouse may die before the "potential" of being a parent...or the "potential" of being a grandparent...or the "potential" of enjoying retirement...or the "potential " of growing old together. Losing a spouse at any age can be devastating. ... Parents who suffer the death of a child will face numerous losses of "potential". They will be robbed of the "potential" of watching a child walk or talk...the "potential" of watching them develop and grow...the "potential" of watching them marry and begin a family. The loss of "potential" is a grief issue, a reminder of what was lost. Recognizing these losses, feeling their impact, and realizing they add to the grief burden is an important step.
We actually grieve the loss of what COULD have been, what SHOULD have been, and what MIGHT have been. Becoming aware of these losses is part of the journey. I believe it is helpful to make a written list of the "potential" areas where you feel a loss. To Identify them will soften the level of shock when they occur. Many people find it helps to express the loss of "potential" to others. It allows us to put words to our grief, it allows for healthy mourning. Thank you for following and sharing these articles. God bless you ⚘🙏⚘🙏⚘🙏 Bob Willis, author "A Guide for Grievers" "JESUS: The CRUCIFIED CAREGIVER" Storytelling"Can you tell a good story?" The art of storytelling originated with visual stories, such as cave drawings, and then shifted to oral traditions. Stories were passed down from generation to generation by word of mouth. Then they developed into the written, typed, and printed versions. A good storyteller listens well, is authentic, and genuine. They are also motivated to capture the moments and relate the emotions to others. Our world, and our culture, needs... good storytellers. Do you realize your grief journey is a story to be told? It would be very helpful to put words to your grief, to develop the story and honor your loved one. Begin with early memories, their background and the life events that formed their journey. Describe how they were influenced by those around them. What environment shaped their early life? What were the elements of their personality that stand out? Can you use descriptive words to tell how they touched the lives of those around them?
If possible, gather photos of your loved one to piece together their story. Use words and stories from others to describe their life and influence. Insert dates and events into the story to develop the timeline. Your story does not need to be published. It becomes a treasure to you and others because the story is a testament that they lived and they loved. It is very therapeutic to write these stories, to remember and reflect upon their impact upon others. You may compile several short stories, your memories of events, and add to the collection over time. Expect laughter and tears during the process. You may find it to be a valuable process in mourning. Bob Willis, author "A Guide for Grievers" "JESUS: the CRUCIFIED CAREGIVER" Make a list and check it off!I make lists! It is especially helpful for me when my mind is full of thoughts and I am unable to focus. My list will include all the items that crowd my mind. I will list them from the most urgent to the least important.
Yes, it is a form of control. I justify this method as a way for me to control my schedule and thoughts instead of moving from one unfinished task to another. ... At the end of my day I can check the items off the list that were completed. Those not completed are included on the list for the next day. This works for me, but everyone is different. Here is the realization. When we lay down at night we must realize that we just traded a day in our lives for "something"! What did we accomplish? If we have a checklist we can see what we accomplished during that day. Grief is unique"Grief never ends, but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith, it is the price of love." -anonymous-
Grief does not need to be overwhelming and constant, but it will never leave us. The emotions can be just under the surface, ready to burst forth at the slightest memory. It does change, it does soften, but it will always be present. Give yourself permission to grieve. ... Grief is not a mirror of our faith or our strength, but not everyone is open to express their mourning in public. Find "your style" of mourning...some people talk it out, some write it out, but each person is different. Give yourself permission to mourn...to express your feelings. Grief is not something we just "get over". Describe your GriefCould I have "a" word with you? Seriously, I am asking you for one (1) word. This may be more difficult than you think, and for some it may even feel impossible. Only one (1) word.
The word I am looking for will be a one (1) word description of your grief. How would you describe the jumbled mess of emotions in your mind with just one (1) word? ... Perhaps it would be easier to make a list of the many words that describe your grief. These may be positive words, or negative words. Some words are very supportive and some words tear us down. Some bring laughter and others bring tears to our eyes. Grief is a danceMy wife's grandmother was a very religious lady, dedicated to God and her beliefs. Her granddaughter (my wife) loved to dance. I remember the statement her grandmother used to discourage such "activity". "God did not put a dancing foot and a praying knee on the same leg"!😜😂🥰🙏
But somehow my wife picked up the joy of dancing. She has many happy memories of dancing around the house with her mother and siblings. ... There are some similarities between dancing and the grief journey. Community of SupportWe have 2 grandsons attending college out of state and away from family. While visiting with them about the upcoming year and the unique situations, I heard a common statement.
They both said they were going to campus to "build a community of friends". I love that expression because it speaks of hope, commitment, and setting goals. I am confident these 2 young men will surround themselves with a "community of friends" to enrich their lives and education. ... Grievers can learn from this approach. At a time when support is so important, it may need to come from a new source. In a way, we enter a new phase of life that is unfamiliar and uncomfortable at times. Many of our friends cannot face the emotions of grief, they are uncomfortable, so they may keep their distance. |