An unfamiliar worldMany years ago my in laws were out of state on vacation and received a phone call that their home had burned to the ground. It was a total loss due to a lightening strike. For years my mother-in-law would search for papers or photos...only to remember they were destroyed in the fire. There was definitely grief associated with this tragic event.
I am often reminded of how we take things "for granted" in life. We may just assume family, friends, health, jobs..., routines, and freedoms will always be the same. It is easy to have the mindset that changes will not occur. But what we take "for granted" can be gone instantly and forever. This is especially painful if the change involves the death of a loved one.
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Every loss is 100%For my entire life I have heard of "expected life spans". These facts may be eye opening, maybe even surprising. But as a grief specialist, I do not find these of great interest. I meet a lot of people who feel robbed and cheated because their loved one did not reach the "expected" life span. It is OK to have those feelings and emotions.
"Today, Asian Americans live the longest (86.3 years), followed by Latinos (81.9 years), whites (78.6 years), Native Ame...ricans (77.4 years), and African Americans (75.0 years)." (Wikipedia.org) If you have experienced the death of a loved one, regardless of their age...it hurts, it rips the heart out. Grief is devastating at any age. I have stated before that every loss is 100%. No one is grieving 99%, and no one is grieving 101%. Every loss is complete. HEAR the HEARTA few years ago, as I was leading a grief support group, I made the statement that "we all need someone who will listen to us". I thought it was a true statement, and had been saying it for years. We need someone who will listen to our grief, our stories, and our memories.
A young man in the group replied "that's right Bob, we do need someone to listen to us...but we also need someone who will HEAR us"! ... As I was driving home, I was reflecting upon what he said. He was right!! We LISTEN with our ears. Often the words may come in 1 ear and go out the other ear...but we listened. But we HEAR with our HEART! In fact, you cannot spell the word HEART until you spell the word HEAR first. Hidden JewelMy grandfather, Elijah Henry Willis, was a quiet man. I do not have a lot of memories of him, but one lesson he taught me as a boy was quite unusual.
Texas bull nettle plants are covered with stinging barbs on leaves, stalks, and pods. Their sting is fierce and definitely one to remember. I recall walking across a field with grandpa, making certain we avoided the bull nettles. ... Grandpa stopped at a bull nettle plant, picked up 2 small rocks and carefully smashed the pod on the bush. Very carefully he removed the nuts from the plant and gave them to me. When Grief Becomes MourningThere are 2 questions I commonly hear following a loss. These questions are expressed out of a desire to feel better, and not being familiar with the grief process.
1). WHEN WILL I FEEL BETTER? Everyone wants to get past the pain of loss. No one likes to feel the depression and anxiety of grief. So, this is a very good question. ... My answer is simple. We will feel better when our grief becomes mourning. When we express the pain within our heart and mind it becomes mourning. Grief is on the inside and often we suppress these feelings. Mourning is the expression through words, tears, or actions. Do you have an imagination? I would like for you to pretend with me for a moment.
Let's pretend! Let's pretend that instead of your loved one dying...you died! Imagine you died and left your family to deal with the grief you are feeling now. How would you respond to these questions? ... * Do you want your family to cry after you die? * Do you want your family to laugh after you die? * How long do you want your family to grieve? Greif StressRecently I read an article that outlines the impact of stress on a body. General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS), is very real and more common than we realize. I immediately noticed the similarity to grief responses. No doubt, grief and loss will create stress on individuals.
ALARM REACTION STAGE: The heart rate and blood pressure will increase; there is a sense of "fight or flight", facing the stress point or trying to escape. There may even be a sudden burst... of energy and adrenalin. RESISTANCE STAGE: This can be evident by the loss of concentration or focus. The slightest things may produce sudden bursts of anger or frustrations. EXHAUSTION STAGE: This stage can be evident with the constant loss of energy, excessive tiredness, feeling unable to cope, and even depression. Grief may cause stress on us physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. Hidden Pressure of GriefSomething went wrong at work. So the boss verbally blames the employee...the frustrated employee goes home and starts a senseless argument with his wife...the stunned wife speaks harshly to their son and sends him to his room...the confused boy stomps off to his room but pauses along the way to kick the family cat to the side of the hallway. The poor cat had no idea what happened, but was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time! 😜😜
Often the attitudes ...and behaviors we observe and feel have nothing to do with the present situation. It is best if we learn to step back...cool down...and talk about stress points instead of just "acting out" our immediate responses. Grief can bring tremendous pressure upon everyone involved. Grief JourneyThe Natchez Trace Parkway is a beautiful 444 mile drive through 3 states, MS, ALA, and TN. It roughly follows the "Old Natchez Trace", a historical travel corridor used by American Indians, European settlers, slave traders, soldiers, and future presidents.
You can walk in their footsteps...in a trail created by those who have gone before us. There is a special feeling to realize others have walked the path before us. ... It is very similar in the grief journey. Our loss, our grief journey, is unique to us. Never Give UpBear Grylls is a British adventurer, a survival instructor, and host of the exciting "Man vs Wild" series on the Discovery Channel. His entire life story is one of daring courage and life adventures.
But, due to a parachuting accident that broke his spine in 3 places, he was told he would probably never walk again. He overcame all obstacles to achieve even greater feats and amazing adventures. ... As I read his life story, I was especially impressed with one of his quotes.: "Survival can be summed up in three words - NEVER GIVE UP- that's the heart of it really, just keep trying." This quote gave me insight into his strength of character. But I was drawn to how those words can be spoken to everyone who suffers a loss. "NEVER GIVE UP"! |